Abstract: Autobiography or confessional? The title is not plagiarised from the literary offering by a certain Mr. Tim Griggs, but that of a short story that has been languishing in my archives for over ten years, an ironic comment on the requirement in modern Western society for a female to be attached and the difficulties in attaining this state of “bliss”.

Thursday, 31 March 2005

Stinkhorn

Filed under: — site admin @ 4:04 pm

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Having purchased a copy of that dismal rag The Bulletin (whose bland and badly written articles cannot compete with those of its What’s On equivalents in serious urban sprawls) because it allegedly contained information about a recently opened establishment where the divine elixir more commonly known as six puttonyos Tokaji aszú can be purchased at a not too extortionate price. Instead, I came across an article entitled The sex files, by a certain Karen Carstens, priding herself on a piece of original investigative journalism lifting the lid on the mating habits of European civil servants (the fact that this obvious filler was splashed all over the front page should tell you everything you need to know about the weekly).

“At first glance, [Waffle Central] may seem a dull, grey city full of boring Eurocrats. But just below this staid surface lies a seamy underbelly”. Her portrayal of the capital as a cultural desert is not altogether inaccurate (eating and cinema-going the chief sources of entertainment), as the empty streets confirm. There are many uses of the pejorative term derived from “bureaucrat”. The image it conjures up of charismatically challenged office drones in suits, hunched over keyboards with wilting spider plants on the windowsill drawing up reports immediately consigned to the archives and mumbling the occasional word of advice concerning inclusion on the list of hazardous waste products of some obscure chemical compound does not exactly convey an impression of dynamism or capture the naked ambition and breathtaking arrogance I too often witness. In the British media its connotations are purely negative: Eurocrats are faceless, out of touch killjoys who would never dream of munching a bag of cheese and onion crisps or tucking into an Arbroath smokie, preferring to ban such innocuous pleasures in a frenzy of imposed homogenization. To add insult to injury, these undeserving bons vivants leech taxpayers’ money to fund their extravagant lifestyles (an accusation that bears striking similarities to the standard indictment of our presence in Waffleland printed in leaflets and shoved through the letterbox of every household at regular intervals to wring out a few drops of sympathy for a political party which despises us not so much for our perceived surfeit of privilege as for the inexpungeable sin of being foreign) when they are not plotting to remove the final vestiges of national sovereignty as part of their evil federalist conspiracy.

Whom does Carstens subsume under the category?
“While sleaze abounds in many international environments, the European Parliament is probably a tad more risqué then the European Commission and most other EU institutions. The reason is simple: MEPs, with homes scattered across Europe, are generally separated from long-term partners and families during the working week, dwelling in lonesome downtown flats, while Commission staff members are usually settled in for the long haul, with spouses and kids also happily installed in the EU capital.
Some male Commission staff members have nonetheless been known to visit several hotels located near the EU executive’s Berlaymont headquarters during long lunch breaks”.
Clearly this definition of Eurocracy is very broad. Apart from neglecting to mention that the Parliament is an employer in its own right with a separate administration, it does not compare like with like (only the Commissioners themselves occupy a position in the hierarchy analogous to that of MEPs). Carstens carelessly lumps together the permanent residents (officials on contracts of unlimited duration awarded on the basis of having successfully passed an open competition and independent of political influence) with the transient population (even the professional trajectories of Our Illustrious Masters are dependent on the vagaries of the electoral process, although unflinching obedience to the party-dictated line also counts for a great deal, being a factor determining how high up the list a given name will appear. One of the more spectacular falls from grace involved a suitcase containing cannabis, cocaine and pornography). However, the issue of the extent to which rank and/or power qualify an individual for inclusion amongst the unpopular elite reveals one of the unspoken assumptions of the piece. I do not believe that Carstens has the drivers, ushers or secretaries in mind when she writes (and if genuine power in terms of making or breaking careers, approving appointments to the upper echelons or bearing responsibility for managing vast sums of money serves as a criterion all but a handful are immediately excluded), which goes some way towards accounting for her gender bias.

Women as fonctionnaires do not feature in her conceptual landscape (we are not dealing with a sustained feminist critique here, merely a jumble of anecdotes hardly meriting the designation of serious research), as becomes evident from a passage such as the following:
“Another popular spot among Eurocrats is the Manhattan strip club in [M] metro station, also in the heart of the EU district, where rowdy groups of fonctionnaires sometimes spend a few hours at weekends”.

She adds: “Of course, there’s also romance in [Waffle Central], a city filled with single young professionals, including stagiaires, or trainees, at all the EU institutions, parliamentary assistants, consultants, lobbyists, journalists, lawyers and Eurocrats – all looking to mix and mingle and possibly meet their perfect match”. Again, with the exception of the reviled elite, emphasis is placed on those simply passing through.

One interviewee is quoted referring to “the countless attractive women from across Europe any red-blooded male could hope to meet”. He claims that life at the institutions is “like an extension of university” and that commitment and marriage are the last thoughts on the hedonist’s mind. Once more we are presented with an entirely male perspective, as if this were the only valid vantage point in matters of sexual conduct. Young, nubile women are in constant supply, only too willing to be swept (temporarily) off their feet. Carstens records a chat-up line employed by a male client at a popular watering hole (where “Eurocrats prowl the premises for stagiaires, plying them with drinks”) as being “‘I work at the Commission’”. She continues: “(…) it could certainly arouse some interest, given the comfortable salaries and cushy benefits most Eurocrats are on”. An uncritical regurgitation of the myth of the idle, overpaid Eurocrat and of male activity versus female passivity (men enjoying a monopoly on initiating liaisons), the implication being that women could not possibly find recreational sex an enticing proposition in itself (perhaps Carstens believes male Eurocrats are by definition irredeemably ugly?). Power and status are depicted as attributes of men, deployed as bait in the seduction game. Unfortunately, the findings of the 2000-2002 report from the Equal Opportunities Unit corroborate this impression to an extent: “The primary feature is stability; there were no great variations between 1999 and 2002. The proportions of officials are 54% women to 46% men, very unequally distributed among the various categories. Women make up only a quarter of administrators (24%), but more than two thirds (71%) of category C. There is a better gender balance in categories LA (53% women and 47% men) and B (52% women and 48% men). Women are still very much under-represented in category D (17%)” (p5). That a structural imbalance exists is not being disputed. I have yet to witness the spectacle of a middle-aged woman surrounded by an adoring retinue of sycophants vying to carry her briefcase and hanging on her every word, sitting around her table in the bar, legs apart, scratching their balls to emphasise their assets.

“Still, although some may enjoy being so free-spirited in Brussels, many single women can also find the place frustrating”. Here we encounter the gender divide: the customers casually strolling round the meat market are men. The interviewee “suggests that women could easily bump into single men in Brussels who may have been ‘geeky loners’ in the past, driven to succeed in their chosen profession, but have suddenly realised they need a mate”. The hapless women are, in other words, stuck with the dregs, with no choice but to make do with the leftovers, serious nerdy types whose determined focus has allowed for no distractions (which does not exactly bode well in terms of their ability to offer emotional nurturance or carnal fulfilment). Carstens is happy to perpetuate the cultural cliché that women are only out after stability and security, to ensnare, to land a good catch (held up as the solution to all ills). Women are not career-focused or disciplined enough to know their own minds. If they postpone settling down for the sake of earning a halfway decent salary, the spectre of the shelf forever haunts them. The message is reinforced by a crudely drawn illustration of a nondescript lone male surrounded by twelve women (presumably to tally with the number of stars on the European flag) gazing at him with rapt attention, (mostly bespectacled) eyes shining with longing.

The institutions are no more a cesspool of iniquity than any other large-scale organisation, although some of Our Illustrious Masters have been known to confusing the second oldest profession with the oldest, regarding sexual access to any female accompanying the delegation as their god-given right, a self-evident perk. On one such trip to Japan I was forced to listen to a ceaseless background drone of vociferous complaints concerning the inability of two members sitting behind RC and myself on the air-conditioned coach to endure the abstinence occasioned by lengthy separation from their wives. Oral skills of a different nature to those I am accustomed to providing would have been required. I was the sole representative of the fairer sex in the party, the laments an insult to my taste as well as my intelligence. The rationale transparent: I would be less conspicuous (my presence at the hotel would not have to be explained) and cheaper than a whore. On arrival at Tanegashima, RC and I explored the shop (nothing but beaches and rock formations for miles around and it was already dark) where I chanced upon a curious artefact rejoicing in the label of “Sex Wax”. Having discarded my inhibitions for the duration of the stay (commandeering a taxi for Shinjuku with only a card printed in Japanese bearing the address of my destination to seek out the company of a delicate flower) I decided to purchase the object (a real sucker for the gimmick), but wanted a description of the precise purpose for which it was intended. Disappointingly it did not turn out to be suitable for any of the activities I had imagined. Observing our mirth, Illustrious Master Number One enthusiastically grabbed several.
“How many surf boards do you have, Mr. [X]?” I intoned sarcastically.
Deliberately misunderstanding, he grinned and replied: “You can be my surf board any time, luv!”
RC let out a derisory snort at the crassness of the attempt. Out of luck, IM One retreated to the pool where he cooled his ardour with length after length whilst RC and I sipped gin and tonic on the terrace.

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Saturday, 26 March 2005

Debris

Filed under: — site admin @ 3:22 pm

Wednesday, 23 March 2005

Necropolis

Filed under: — site admin @ 5:08 pm

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Wednesday, 16 March 2005

The Pathetic Wreckage of a Dream (Part Two)

Filed under: — site admin @ 5:03 pm

[Listen to this entry]

Friday

The computer roused the Hungarian from his slumber as the Windows jingle blared through five speakers simultaneously. My final surfing session to induce calm and kill the remaining wilfully dragging hours before congregating at KC’s flat for a final practice (using the video tape of Monday’s show, which none of us had seen due to being exiled in S) prior to driving to the airport: Theravada, the lesser vehicle, Mahayana, the greater vehicle and Vajrayana, the diamond vehicle, the Four Noble Truths, the date when the Stone of Destiny was stolen from Westminster Abbey, Gemeinschaft und Gesellschaft just to refresh my memory, Elizabeth Cady-Stanton and how the Inspector General of Military Hospitals, James Barry, was found to be a woman on death following a distinguished career during which he performed one of the first successful Caesarean sections. Facts accumulated over decades clamouring for attention in my head as I soaked in the bath. My confidence-boosting song (Sun Hits the Sky by Supergrass) on repeat in the car’s CD player at the kind of teenage chassis-throb volume I normally cannot tolerate.

An overwhelming workload meant that RC could not join us until the last minute, so we sipped tea before attempting the questions in real time, KC totting up our score. It was less than our average of around 250 with fewer starters that suited us (we counted every bonus we knew in order to have a realistic appraisal of the true extent of our knowledge). KC is an expert on Milton and English literature in general, TM has a doctorate in physics and is a brilliant mathematician (“I always knew I was a misfit in our profession,” he joked as he failed for the umpteenth time to explain some elementary calculus to my polite but vacant smile), with my doctorate in sociology and my range of interests in mythology, art, feminism and sci-fi I always considered myself as the gap-filler, whilst RC, the consummate photographer and owner of a large-format Hasselblad, a Mamiya and several Nikons, possesses a breadth of knowledge with which none of the rest of us can compete. We arranged to meet in the lobby (although there was some confusion about which one), TM finally picking RC up and accelerating along the miraculously uncongested ring road.

As we stood in the queue at the check-in desk, TM turned to us with a broad grin and declared: “I think that when they hear they are against EP interpreters they will shit their pants”. Not prone to swaggering or triumphalism, this quiet vote of confidence lifted our spirits. Allocated seats in the back row by the toilets, RC and TM could not chat to us during the flight and KC filled in the cryptic crossword with his customary skill and speed. One of our supporters, the Scouser, who had acted as quizmaster during our warm-ups against the Great Unwashed travelled on the same plane. A grey sky weeping with drizzle greeted us on landing. “Red carpet this way!” TM announced as we made our way to the exit where the chauffeur of the courtesy car waited patiently with his sign (we were the last passengers to collect our luggage).

The Scouser praised the air quality as a jeep pulled into the car park: “This vehicle is fuelled by recycled cooking oil”. RC mused on whether the exhaust fumes smelled of chips as we hurtled along the motorway.

I suspect I was not alone in my adrenalin high and we immediately set off for town having deposited our bags in the rooms and sized up any group of four idly standing around in the reception area. KC suggested the bookshop as a destination, knowing that my craving for a decent cup of coffee could be satisfied there. TM wandered off with his Nikon to make the most of the fading afternoon light whilst I browsed the Gender Studies section. A table had been booked for eight at the only venue recommended by Jonathan Meades (KC and I are huge admirers of his sharp literacy, such a rare commodity in the scheduling wasteland) who describes it thus: “The most appealing Cantonese cooking in Britain, in a most appealing restaurant. The place has a real buzz. It is very large, very crowded, very noisy. (…) Much of the excellent food is characterised by austere simplicity: veal chops seasoned with nothing but salt, straightforward roast pigeon, chicken wings steeped in garlic. Shellfish is very fine indeed” (The Times Restaurant Guide 2002, p131). Dinner was a slightly more subdued affair than it had been on “the magnificent Friday” as KC had dubbed it. We were fairly abstemious on the alcohol front, TM blowing his nose in paper handkerchiefs, stricken with a bad dose of the cold and doped up on Sudafeds was reluctant to drink more than a glass of the red I asked him to choose (although not averse to the occasional tipple when in company, my binge days are long since over, a small amount usually suffices to conk me out, which was precisely why I insisted on imbibing a modest quantity). A card extolled the virtues of: “Soup of Temptation. A tasty broth of shredded Snake, Chicken, Mushroom, Wood Fugus [!], Bamboo Shoots and Dry Tangerine Peel (Accompanied with Black Sesames Crisps and Chrysanthemum petals)” which did not whet our appetites enough to order it. TM graciously allowed me to sip his hot and sour soup starter before tasting it himself, worried that he might pass on the infection otherwise. Like my dim sum, it was delicious. “To glorious victory!” TM toasted once the waiter had poured our wine, a warm (if perhaps slightly ironic) sentiment we all endorsed. As they manipulated their chopsticks with enviable aptitude, I stuck to my fork (having forgotten the lessons in their use kindly given to me by a group of radiant lesbians over a bowl of steaming noodles at Madame Mars’ Bar in Tokyo where my feeble efforts to stop the food slithering off constituted the pre-karaoke entertainment). The main course was equally worthy of Meades’ approval. I have never tasted ginger so fresh. Failing to pay heed to KC’s warnings about how desserts never live up to expectations, I indulged simply because the menu photograph of the fluffy white marshmallow bunnies complete with albino eyes was so surreal, capturing my mood to perfection. Served with a sprig of wilted parsley they stared morosely in a huddle, so I bit their heads off one by one. As KC enquired whether they were edible, I spluttered “No, they’re absolutely vile and I wish they would hop off the plate straight back to their warren!” in an uncontrollable spasm of mirth.

We meandered back to the hotel buffeted by gusts of freezing wind (the air conditioning blowing a gale in my room had re-acclimatised me to the chill), parting in the corridor before a relatively early night. Anticipation poked me cruelly in the ribs every time I began drifting off. The questionnaire form’s “How do you think you will cope with Paxman’s imposing question technique?” making my heart thump in my ears. TM’s irreverent “A little cocaine should help” emptying my mind.

Saturday

I gave up trying to make myself comfortable on the mattress at seven with the light streaming in from behind the curtains, taking a shower, applying moisturiser (the closest I ever come to trowelling on foundations or any other expensive smears of camouflage) and dressing in the outfit I had worn whilst filming the introductory segment. Having filled the intervening hours with a last minute cram I met them for breakfast at quarter to ten. The lifts were teeming with pilots and air hostesses in uniform (obviously not our rivals as they had their wheeled suitcases in tow). KC had purchased a copy of The Zimbabwean from a newsstand to read over his Coco Pops. He, TM and I asked each other question after question for reassurance, each more arcane than the next. RC was more relaxed: “After such a display of erudition all I can say is I’m glad I’m not against you”, gently reminding us that we were not about to take part in a film trivia extravaganza. “I’m impressed by your eating prowess,” KC quipped as RC ferried a couple of rashers of bacon and a modest spoonful of scrambled eggs back to the table: “If we get a round on that we should be alright”. The nozzle of the orange juice dispenser clogged up with pulp, so it was treacly coffee only for me. The Scouser bounced in, beaming and wishing us luck (later as we walked across the road to the studio he issued a final word of encouragement to the effect that he had eavesdropped on one of the enemy teams frantically limbering up with a quiz book over toast and that they had been hopeless). “We will prevail,” TM soothed before retiring to his room to pore over a physics tome (to “check some definitions” and swallow a couple more Sudafed, enough to relieve the headache without leaving him woozy) whilst the rest of us burned off a little of our excess energy by hitting the high street.

Inevitably the appointed hour came. Clutching Piglet our mascot for comfort, I followed them to the security booth at the entrance. TM was wearing a suit and tie, abandoning his trusty jeans for the first time, a dead giveaway that the situation was about to turn serious. We were met by a pleasant young woman who escorted us through the austere white corridors (which reminded me of my student days, even down to the enigmatic numbering on every door) to our dressing room where we could leave our bits and pieces during lunch. It was at this stage that we discovered who we would be up against, a fact that even KC’s most cunning attempts had not succeeded in prising out of the film crew: the RWR (Right-Wing Rag). I refused to succumb to despair. In our profession the RWR is the equivalent of the Bible, the acid test of whether an individual appreciates the subtleties of the English language. Although I find it irredeemably superficial (and cancelled my subscription to it as soon as it had outlived its usefulness when I passed my open competition, enraged by its cheap jibes against single mothers, as its hacks jumped on the bandwagon by scapegoating them for all the woes of society and dismissing them as a faceless mass of ruthless, manipulative, uneducated spongers) and its supercilious in-house style irritating, its texts have proven useful in testing candidates’ mettle. I have always loathed its aggressive marketing policy (how on earth did its sales department get its hands on my new address after I moved house?) and now almost look forward to the next occasion when a red and white envelope drops to the floor through my letterbox, as I can ritually burn its foul promotional matter.

In the pale glow of the Make-Up Department KC’s self-deprecating comments about how our team would exhaust the entire supply of anti-shine cream kept our spirits up. The assistant responsible for our transformation was both charming and efficient (“Don’t worry, it’s just some corrective skin tone”). Having exchanged a few words with the opposition, we were ushered to the canteen where we were presented with five pounds’ worth of meal vouchers. To his delight, KC spotted Marmite flavour crisps, his favourites, virtually unobtainable in Waffleland, grabbing five packets to pile on his tray. We did not feel like eating much and despondency mixed with a desire to release the unbearable build up of tension with a well-placed head butt welled up inside. I breathed deeply instead, putting on a show of bravado for the sake of the boys. TM sampled my Tunnocks snowball, a small token of home in a hostile environment. There are certain cues designed to trigger a visceral reaction in the true Scot. One of these is upper class English accents. Nothing is guaranteed to raise our hackles more effectively. KC’s clipped Solihull timbre suits him perfectly, as does RC’s lush pasture smooth Somerset melody, neither of which are offensive to my ear and TM’s mellifluous, sun-drenched tones would calm the most savage beast (nobody appreciates the erotic potential of the human voice better than an interpreter). The arrogant plumminess spread a sense of their unflinching self-belief like some invisible pheromone genetically engineered to intimidate. As the deluge of pompous syllables assailed me I was thankfully able to fall back on another of the essential prerequisites of my job: the ability to screen out extraneous noise.

In the Green Room we stared at the TV screen transfixed by the match prior to ours: the Pink Paper versus The Idler. My mouth was dry in spite of several plastic cups of water. Dazed, my heart sank as I realised how few of the questions I could actually answer (I heard afterwards that the RWR had been frightened by our silence, attributing it to a tactic devised to fool them whereas in reality it was dawning on us afresh exactly to what extent the questions were a lottery, a sobering reminder). The RWR took a more gung-ho approach shouting out their guesses at lightning speed. I leaned across to whisper in KC’s ear, quoting from the parody again: “We’re going to smash the oiks!” “I rather fear that in this context [Chameleon] we are the oiks”. During the match, the RWR spat venom at the “dismal performance” of the Pink Paper, but when their journalist colleagues entered they gushed effusively with hypocritical commiserations, confirming my worst prejudices about the degree of sincerity behind English manners. The production staff stroked the mighty Piglet to bring us luck – KD was particularly kind with her generous smile – and then it was over. We nipped out to the loos, giving each other five before the start of the ordeal. As we were instructed to take up the agreed positions before filing in, the captain of the RWR boasted loudly about how he could recite the dates of all the crusades. I consoled myself that we had at least already beaten them in the smartness stakes, as TM had muttered disapprovingly: “How can they dress casually? They have no respect”.

In the darkness of the wings hidden from sight by a black curtain we heard how the audience was invited to give a round of applause for the RWR (who had brought a grand total of three guests), which was diffident to say the least. “Now let’s welcome the European Interpreters!” I will never forget the rousing cheer from our party as long as I live. Once we had taken our seats and checked the buzzers a devastating blow was delivered: we were banned from using Piglet on the grounds that he advertised a certain mega-corporation purveying candy-floss fantasies. KC had gone to great pains to avoid purchasing a soft toy that bore even the slightest resemblance to the caricature of E.H. Shepherd’s endearing creation with its stripy jumper. KC’s verdict that the cartoon (impostor) version is “hideous – it looks like a deformed insect” one I can agree with completely. Having unceremoniously plonked him face down behind RC’s nameplate, a member of the floor crew draped a substitute over KC’s. Staring at the arsehole of a Dachshund pencil case for the half hour that followed did nothing to boost our morale. Paxman schmoozed with the RWR with whom he was on first name terms, consulting them as to the best biography of Byron. The warm-up lasted a miserable three minutes, barely enough to permit us to gather our thoughts. It was a peculiar feeling to be there in the lights. I was aware of nothing but Paxman, my right hand poised on the buzzer. The signature tune played over the speakers and we dutifully introduced ourselves. My vision narrowed together with my focus on the words. I was like a rabbit on the asphalt scratching behind the ears oblivious to the headlights of the articulated lorry bearing down on it, a state of complete calm, of dazed detachment, an out of body experience of paralysis (I swear the nerve connecting my neuron impulses to my hand had been temporarily severed): even when I knew the answer it was already too late. That the RWR managed to land the only science-fiction question (my specialist subject par excellence and so pitifully simple – Logan’s Run depicts a paradise, but there is a catch, what is it? – that it would have overcome even my reticence) barely impinged on my consciousness. Similarly, their incorrect interruption on the only (tenuously) feminist starter did not stir me from my stupor: by that stage I was not willing to pander to gender stereotypes by uttering “mathematics” even although on some level I intuitively knew it was correct. KC’s brave stab “anatomy” seemed infinitely more logical. Paxman knew it was my field and peered at me to elicit a response. To no avail. A prize turnip would have been more useful to the team than I was. As the tide turned against us (we begun well, with a lead of 80 to minus 5) I was dimly aware that RC, TM and KC were hitting the buzzer again and again yet the enemy was somehow faster. Magnetic poles, Berwick-upon-Tweed all rushing through my head. At the sound of the gong they had scored exactly twice as many points as us, though we rallied again towards the end. What the viewer does not realise is that retakes underpin Paxman’s smoothness (although I have to admit he is extremely good at what he does). We had to endure several retakes of TM’s conversion of a number to binary code (he was so keen to take the initiative away from the RWR that he pressed before completing the mental calculation). He turned to me in anguish: “[Chameleon] this sucks” and it was all I could do not to weep. During this torment, Paxman uttered the immortal: “Mr. [RC], would you try to look a little more active, please?” to which RC replied: “Sorry, Jeremy, this is about as active as I ever get”, which sent a ripple of amusement through the audience.

As my undaunted colleagues chatted to our contingent I retreated to the Green Room where the RWR were gloating over us loudly. I felt completely alone and abandoned without the boys to hold me together, accepting a Coke (alcohol would have been deadly at that stage) and shovelling a handful of barbecue chicken flavoured crisps down my throat. Sipping beer KC, RC and TM sent messages (I do not own a mobile, but my family and best friends had witnessed events from the stand anyway), the cock crows indicating replies a veritable farmyard dawn chorus. Half of Waffle Central has promised to cancel their RWR subscriptions (at dinner the normally unflappable TM vowed “I will never use an article from it at a freelance test again”). We lounged about a while longer before gathering the pathetic wreckage of our dream: the team banner, our surnames and the despondent Piglet, humbled in defeat. As TM carried the crisps for him, KC released a bitter sigh: “If only I had known we would lose, I would have picked up more packets”.

We have nothing to reproach ourselves for and none of us have any regrets. My faith in my team-mates remains undented and I feel truly honoured to have shared the experience with them. Our supporters did not let us down afterwards either, treating us like celebrities even though we had not emerged victorious (though in my case the pint and a half of cider and several glasses of wine – one of which was corked, not that I really noticed or cared – also did much to ease the pain). TM philosophised that somewhere deep down we did not believe that we could win, that the RWR had demonstrated the difference between active and passive knowledge. I barely slept, every single question rattling round my brain.
“A one and seven zeroes, a one and seven zeroes”.

Sunday

At breakfast I sat opposite Mark, a fellow contestant from the V and A (his team won their game, but sadly did not score high enough to make it through to the semis), whose pleasant and intelligent conversation allowed us to wind down. Having been through it himself, he knew exactly what we were talking about. We noted how the series had been dominated by journalists (Mark informed us that Loaded had failed to qualify and we were told later that The New Statesman and the NME had suffered the same fate). RC summed matters up eloquently: “We had rehearsed the most obscure reaches of Finnish art house cinema and what did we get? Carry on Cleo”.

Whilst RC and TM (accompanied by his two sons both of whom study in England) set off in search of culture, KC and I engaged in some emergency retail therapy. Back at the airport we were handed a hot meal voucher with the news that the flight was delayed until 21.30 (and eventually left five hours behind schedule). Dejected, we ambled aimlessly through the food court when it occurred to us that we were actually peckish. Harry Ramsden’s seemed the obvious choice, the price of a large haddock and chips the exact amount allocated to us. It took a while to prepare, TM’s “Overfishing” and my “It will have become extinct in the meantime if they don’t hurry up” spoken virtually in unison. RC and TM had their first taste of mushy peas. Not renowned for effusiveness, the latter’s appreciative remark that the quality of the meal was better than it would have been in a similar establishment in Greece was praise indeed. KC guarded the hand-luggage laden trolley, placing a deterrent newspaper on the comfortable chair (of which there were very few in the building) when I could not bear to sit still any longer and sloped off to explore the shops alone (just as the shutters were being pulled down). Mental and emotional exhaustion left me unable to concentrate long enough to scan even a single page (even the cultural history of the penis I had bought out of sheer mischief). You know you are desperate when the best form of entertainment you can think of is turning round the racks of postcards at the newsagent’s. When we finally boarded the plane back courtesy of Titan Air with an obscenely cheerful crew we were at least in the same row (two on either side of the aisle with an empty seat between). I couldn’t face the sandwich, but TM offered me his slice of chocolate cake, which I gratefully accepted. He buried himself in his book, spectacles perched on the end of his nose, occasionally teasing me about its contents (the Taliban takeover and the subsequent lot of the female population). KC passed over the main section of The Independent on Sunday, my horoscope circled twice. “I never used to believe in them until now,” he laughed.
Leo: “The dignity you were standing on has been flattened. Your observers keep a straight face; you catch them at it but they keep laughing at you. Stop being so generous, they think it’s because you need more friends (your friends hate that). Re-establish old contacts”.

Monday, 14 March 2005

The Pathetic Wreckage of a Dream (Part One)

Filed under: — site admin @ 10:53 am

“The pathetic wreckage of a dream” – RC

The Hopefuls

Downpour

Courtesy Car

A Scouser Goes to Manchester

Piglet Chills Out

The Intellectual

Caffeine High

“Admiring his chopstick technique”

The Curse of the Fluffy Bunnies

We who are about to die salute you!

He didn’t leave empty-handed

All Hail to the Mighty Piglet!

Corporate hospitality

Wreckage

Aftermath

There in spirit

Number One Support Team

Consolation

Ween fans

In a Blur

Downer

Wednesday, 9 March 2005

Pang

Filed under: — site admin @ 10:39 am

LR passed up the opportunity to bask in the adoration of her many worshippers to offer me therapeutic comfort as I find the pressure of not wanting to let the team down unbearable. The impending ordeal has brought many unacknowledged tensions to the surface, anxieties and fears no longer suppressed. Usually I am in command and immune to stress and until this week I have been able to chanel my excess energy into engaging in psychological warfare with the Great Unwashed (the somewhat uncharitable nickname I gave to the opposition kind enough to sacrifice lunchbreaks to help us prepare) and into laughter. The precondition for achievement I set myself was a stable relationship and I have many colleagues, such as LR, who are beautiful, intelligent, sexy and inexplicably single. From most of them I can expect little sympathy, especially since I cannot conceive of existence without the Hungarian and am content. However, contentment was never enough for a temperament like mine, a flaw perhaps, but the source of my tireless creative impulse. Mostly I am on an even keel, aware of how fortunate I am to have a loving partner whose faithfulness never wavers. Overwrought is the only adjective that can do justice to my present state of being. I locked myself in the toilets and wept, even looking at KC and the others stabbed my heart. I have squandered my entire life and will putrify in my grave having left no trace. Our dinner was a moment of release reminding me of my old addiction to emotional highs. I have always preferred pain to dull calm, excess to unassuming moderation, yet have allowed myself to settle, to wane, to abandon the unrestrained for the steady, the mellowed self (Gy. took my ability to pimp for him as a sign of maturity). The worm constricts, tightens its scaly coil. I became invisible in summer 1991 having put on thirty kilos during pregnancy. Now that it is too late, I feel trapped, suffocated, smothered in love and decency. I yearn for the passion, the forbidden, what I once pursued without the confidence and experience I now possess. He is gentle and modest and soft-spoken and radiates all I could possibly desire, all I can no longer have, all that I have thrown away so gratuitously. Instead I slowly eat myself to death (even the banana, my favourite fruit, cannot compete with a Flake Praline), limping along the pavement reduced to a hideous parody of what I once was. Many women suffer from a distorted self-image. I see myself still as the individual I was in the photographs of twenty years ago (no incentive to lose weight). The greatest compliment a man can pay is to de-sexualise the woman, to see beyond the assembly of physical attributes, yet I resent being “safe”, paired off. A piercing jealousy assailed me on learning that they had all been invited out (separately) to dinner with various young women with whom I could not possibly hope to compete. I crave their attention as much as I trust them and as my loyalty towards them is ferocious. The privilege of being included amongst them weighs heavily upon me, I want to be worthy of their confidence. AS dropped in on LR to remark that I should be put on tranquilisers before the contest. I cannot sleep and resort to a glass or two of wine (I am not a drinker and such an amount usually suffices), so I was glad she hugged my weary frame. Her theory (expounded during a coffee in the smoker’s section separated by wooden “quarantine” screens) is that the four most important contributory factors for happiness are place (”Let’s face it, [Waffle Central] is just wrong for all of us”), the job (”I am sick and tired of our profession not being taken seriously. We are not assessed on how good we are or how well we perform our day to day tasks, but on what else we have done” – I agree wholeheartedly with these sentiments and that the system is constructed in such a way as to marginalise and discriminate against us), a man and friends. Two is already dubious, anything below untenable.
“I sometimes think we should all be issued with a suicide pill” (a statement she qualified later, over mussels and chips to the effect that friends should be issued them and they should be available to obviate the need for medical intervention if you are terminally ill and want to determine your own passing). I knew she would understand me without condemnation. She reminds me of myself as I was in the days of despair before the Hungarian: self-destructive, fragile, wonderful, lurching from emotional crisis to emotional crisis. She cultivates incompetence with form-filling (the irritations of bureaucracy are beneath her), never bothers with reading her e-mails, regardless of location relaxing from one carafe to the next. She has mislaid so many passports in taxis and bars that she is under suspicion of selling them on. The same applies to mobiles (I once left a voice message on a handset that had been left behind in Acapulco) and security badges. It would be a mistake to ascribe this to her being scatterbrained or incompetent – on the contrary, her mind is incisive and analytical, it is merely a question of priorities. At university (where the bulk of the students were in science and engineering) she acquired a knowledge of quantum physics sufficient to explain the most obscure theories with such clarity that a fourth year passed his exams because of her. On the way to school each morning, she would recite the times tables whilst “flying”. This involved doing the breaststroke with her arms and allowing her feet to lift off the ground so she would swim through the air. Mere walking took twenty minutes, whereas flying took her ten. She does not remember how, but is convinced to this day that she did it.

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Forbidden Planet

Filed under: — site admin @ 8:03 pm

“‘(…) Of the unnecessary pleasures and desires, some seem to me to be unlawful. They are probably innate in everyone, but if disciplined by law and by the better desires, with the assistance of reason, they may in some men be entirely eradicated, or at least left few and weak, while in other men they are stronger and more numerous’.
‘And what are those desires?’ he asked.
‘Those that are active during sleep,’ I answered. ‘When the rest of the soul, the reasoning, gentle, and ruling part of it, is asleep, then the bestial and savage part, when it has had its fill of food or wine, begins to leap about, pushes sleep aside, and tries to go and gratify its instincts. You know how in such a state it will dare everything, as though it were freed and released from all shame or discernment. It does not shrink from attempting incestual intercourse, in its dream, with a mother or with any man or god or beast. It is ready for any deed of blood, and there is no unhallowed food it will not eat. In a word, it falls short of no extreme of folly or shamelessness’”
Plato, The Republic, Book IX, 571, Dent, London, 1976, p269.

“As for the robot, as its name implies, it works; end of the theatre, beginning of human mechanics. The automaton is the analogon of man and remains responsive to him (even playing draughts with him!). The machine is the equivalent of man, appropriating him to itself as an equal in the unity of a functional process. This sums up the difference between first- and second-order simulacra.
(…) The robot no longer questions appearances, its only truth is its mechanical efficiency. It no longer needs to resemble man, to whom it is inevitably compared. The infamous metaphysical difference which gives the automaton mystery and charm no longer exists: the robot emphasises this difference for its own benefit. Being and appearance are founded on a single substance of production and labour. The first-order simulacrum never abolishes the difference: it presupposes the dispute always in evidence between the simulacrum and the real (a particularly subtle game in trompe-l’oeil painting, but all art thrives on this difference). The second-order simulacrum simplifies the problem by the absorption of appearances, or by the liquidation of the real, whichever you prefer. In any case it erects a reality without images, without echo, without mirrors, without appearances: such indeed is labour, such is the machine, such is the entire industrial system of production in that it is radically opposed to the principle of theatrical illusion. No more semblance or dissemblance, no more God or Man, only an immanent logic of the principle of operativity”
Jean Baudrillard, Symbolic Exchange and Death, Sage, London, 1993 (original French edition 1976), pp53-4.

“Knowledge that comes from immersion in timeless ideas is a glimpse of eternity. It washes off the pollution of quotidianity which wears off and condemns to dissolution everything durable. No other human activity can achieve this, each being branded with indelible mark of transience”
Zygmunt Bauman, Mortality, Immortality and Other Life Strategies, Polity Press, Cambridge, 1992, p62.

“At the time of Plato immortality was the lot of the rulers, and rulers alone. Now the rulers face a challenge. To justify their immortality, they have to show credentials: they have to prove that they have visited the land of the durable, that they have stood face to face with the ideas as they truly and forever are. They must justify their entitlement to immortality in terms in which only philosophers are past masters. They stand little chance in this game. In as far as the rulers set the archetype of immortality (and made it into their sole property), in as far as rule and immortality had been rendered synonymous, it is the sages, these few who converse with the eternal, who ought to be rulers” (Zygmunt Bauman, op. cit., p63).

“Almost single-handedly, a frame was created for all future discourse; the one ‘meta-narrative’ that survived all vicissitudes of history and is unlikely ever to lose its attraction and binding power, as it is that meta-narrative which establishes the raison d’ être of all narrative and all narrators. The bond between immortality, power and knowledge as, simultaneously, the legitimation and the constantly renewed accomplishment of discourse, is that raison d’ être. And the bond was tied by Plato. A bid was made for the philosophers’ right to rule; the bid was justified by reference to the philosophers’ sole access to the eternal; and the philosophers’ own hope for immortality was firmly grounded in the boldly and uncompromisingly asserted monopoly of that access. The outcome was a divide, simultaneously ontological and social. Social – a divide between the ‘multitude’ and their ‘common beliefs’, and ‘the few’ with their ‘knowledge of the eternal’. And ontological – between the transient and the durable, things and ideas, crafts and arts” (Zygmunt Bauman, op. cit., p64).

I was first exposed to Forbidden Planet at a tender and impressionable age in the golden days of BBC2’s evening sci-fi seasons (which showcased such iconic works as Them!; The Day the Earth Stood Still; When Worlds Collide and The Incredible Shrinking Man with its unforgettable spider battle, which has still not lost the power to send shivers down the spine). The collective memory of watching Doctor Who battle the Daleks and the Cybermen from behind the sofa or covering the eyes defensively to exclude all stimuli to the imagination bar the soundtrack did not apply as I sat in the armchair’s accommodating lap transfixed (one of the distinctive features of Forbidden Planet is its unique score of “electronic tonalities”, atmospheric, ethereal and narrative with recognisable themes, such as the beast’s ponderous and sinister approach, repeated strategically to maximum effect). Long before CGI revolutionised special effects, it left an indelible impression on my Father, the inversion of the cliché with earth men (as opposed to implacable invaders intent on laying waste to human civilization before exercising unchallenged dominion over the Earth) exploring the mysteries of the universe in a flying saucer holding a particular appeal for him. Over fifty years on, the film’s austere beauty has not faded (indeed its enormous influence on the genre subsequently is invariably commented upon by critics – when the crew take up their positions on the pads during deceleration to be cocooned in a beam of light my immediate association is with the transporter in Star Trek, where the uniforms also play a cameo role in the original pilot). Its attention to detail, hallmark of the best sci-fi, effortlessly conveys an alternate reality without distracting from the plot (unlike many of the extravaganzas of today, which substitute shots of jaw-dropping technical brilliance for story line and character development, condemning them to remain forever cold, empty and flat). I had been allowed to stay up past my bedtime specially. The indulgence shown and the closeness we felt (my Mother detested sci-fi, placing herself in voluntary exile in the neighbouring room when he invested in cable with its channels dedicated round the clock to his passion – he has always been a light sleeper) have rendered the film’s place in my affections unassailable. Not that I have absorbed all his tastes: country and western music I still find as enjoyable as being tied to a chair and forced to listen while a dozen sadistic manicurists slowly drag their immaculately polished nails down the surface of a blackboard. A print of the original poster remains the only image adorning the walls of my most private retreat, the bedroom.

The very title, with its connotations of Eden and forbidden fruit, sets out one of the principle themes (itself one of the central preoccupations of our culture). Knowledge, once tasted, has appalling consequences: unsullied innocence can never be restored.

“United Planets” cruiser C-57D (cf. United Nations, a neat shorthand for the end of antagonism on earth and between worlds, perhaps a template for the later United Federation of Planets) is sent on a rescue mission to search for survivors of the Bellerophon expedition, which had been sent to assess the suitability of the remote Altair IV for colonisation. Scanned as they draw near, they are warned off by Morbius who urges them to turn back in spite of insisting that he is in no danger. On landing Commander Adams and his men are met by Robby the robot who conveys them to the philologist’s residence in the midst of an exotic garden where, after lunch, they meet his daughter, Alta. Awaiting new orders having been informed that the remainder of the party had fallen victim to a mysterious force, an act of sabotage prevents the ship from transmitting further messages. Keen to send them on their way as quickly as possible, Morbius assists by instructing Robby to manufacture the spare parts they require. However, his plans are frustrated by the brutal murder of the chief engineer. Seeking to confront Morbius, Adams and his close friend Doctor Ostrow gain access to his study, much to the scientist’s annoyance. In an attempt to convince them of the vital nature of his research and the indispensability of his uninterrupted presence on Altair IV, Morbius reveals that the planet was once inhabited by a race of super beings, the Krell and takes his guests on a tour of the subterranean facilities, the only remaining evidence of the vanished civilization. When Adams is on the point of blurting out that the new situation will necessitate more serious outside intervention (a military takeover), Ostrow changes the subject. That evening, an invisible creature immune to firepower and protective fences launches a ferocious attack, costing the lives of Lieutenant Farmer (the Commander’s would-be rival for Alta’s affections) and two others. Determined to discover more about the threat, Adams and Ostrow find entry to the house barred by Robby. Alta overrides her Father’s injunction to the robot to admit no one (“Emergency cancellation Archimedes”) and while Adams is absorbed in persuading Alta to accompany him to safety Ostrow unravels the truth about the beast. Unable to face up to his culpability, Morbius finally renounces his evil self when Alta sides with Adams. With his final breath Morbius impresses upon them that they must travel two hundred million miles before the self-destruct sequence he initiates with Adams’ help blows Altair IV apart.

“Prepare your minds for a new scale of physical scientific values, gentlemen”.

The film marks the end of undiluted technological optimism: the Krell had reached an unimaginable pinnacle of achievement, beyond the grasp of the human mind, defying all known natural laws. The sheer scale of their machinery is mind-boggling: the 8,000 cubic miles of its fabric contain 7,800 levels and 400 ventilation shafts beyond the one Morbius shows to his visitors (the scene on the walkway when the human figures are reduced to puny antlike insignificance imitated most recently in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow during the dénouement on board Totenkopf’s rocket); 9,200 thermo-nuclear reactors (“the harnessed power of an exploding planetary system”), yet the Krell’s triumph proved to be their undoing. Forbidden Planet introduces a note of ambivalence towards technology – it cannot resolve all the problems of the human condition (giving rise instead to new problems of its own). We should not therefore pin all our hopes on it. In Replications: A Robotic History of the Science Fiction Film (University of Illinois Press, Urbana and Chicago, 1995), J. P. Telotte draws attention to the loss of faith in the benevolence of science in the long shadow cast by the mushroom cloud: “Like most science fiction films, Forbidden Planet demonstrates a fundamental sort of double vision, one rooted in its generic concerns. (…) it by turns accepts the attractions and lures of science and technology, finding in them something which is awe-inspiring and promising, and rejects those same attractions, as it foregrounds the more extreme and even dangerous forms they can take. In fact, while this film seems to tantalize us with images of the scientific wonders and creations to be found on the distant planet Altair IV, it concludes with its characters abandoning the technologically advanced world of the Krell – the planet’s original inhabitants – and with the destruction of this planet whose technology has provided so many of the movie’s attractions. The film thus works from a fairly common double vision of its futuristic world – and a double vision made all the more necessary by the forces of the 1950s, when economic prosperity and the great consumer access to modern technology it facilitated were invariably tempered by cold war fears, especially the looming potential for a technological self-destruction, a nuclear holocaust. In keeping with this spirit, then, Forbidden Planet admits the lure of the mechanisms and constructs it parades before us, only to pull back, like so many other science fiction films, from that lure, as if it had reassessed the very images or signs with which it so powerfully speaks” (p115).
The commitment to progress itself has faltered.

Krell society was very concerned with nurturing the intellect and testing it, hubris on their part, the fatal flaw that brings about their demise. Over-cultivation of one quality at the expense of all others is not healthy, as Morbius who possesses more brainpower than any human, demonstrates: he is too caught up in his quest to squander precious time on feelings. In this sense, Forbidden Planet represents an affirmation of the emotional, of the limits of our ordinary being.

“It looks after us like a mother”.

Alta has been isolated from the pollution of social enmeshing/entanglement. Both she and her Father are free to pursue study without distraction: Robby carries out the domestic tasks. Although he insists that the concept of gender is meaningless when applied to him, Robby is male. Technology “personified” he suffers no pain although he is self-aware and is cheerfully compliant when going about his tasks. Like an old stove, his surfaces are appealingly curved and smooth. The archetypal robot butler, he is reconciled to his functions and limitations, content to potter round the house and run up dresses for Alta (cf. the Crapola Inc. talking toaster in Red Dwarf, which, although aware of its limitations, is irritatingly – and comically – incapable of rising above them). He is the physical embodiment of the liberating effects of technology, as they describe him, the “housewife’s dream” (it is useful to remember the 1950s context when domestic appliances – twin-tubs, vacuum cleaners and so on – were heralded with enthusiasm as labour saving devices designed to transform drudgery into leisure and the assumption that women’s role was ideally restricted to the home and the delights of housework still held sway). Robby’s virtues do not stop at diligence: he also evinces “absolute, selfless obedience”. Having shown the deadly efficiency of the disposal unit, a household disintegrator beam (no waste, no pollution), Morbius tells Robby to put arm in. Without the slightest hesitation he shuffles forward, prevented from harm when Morbius belays the order.

“If you do not speak English, I am at your disposal with 187 other languages, along with their various dialects and sub-tongues”.

Robby’s elegant and refined speech patterns reflect Morbius’ original profession as a linguist. Star Trek’s conceit that communication problems could be solved by a “universal translator” staved off the accusation of American imperialism (together with the growing fan contingent willing to put in the effort to master the artificial Klingon tongue developed as a concession to multiculturalism as well as a means of enhancing realism), culminating in the inclusion of an interpreter in the crew of Enterprise. In greeting the new arrivals, Robby is being entirely consistent, as Morbius had already spoken to Adams before they landed. Although the line is intended to impress upon the audience just how sophisticated Robby is, his willingness to admit that there are more forms of human expression than the lingua franca of commerce (and big budget film productions) is refreshing.

“Yet this robot of yours is beyond the combined resources of all Earth’s physical science”.

Morbius dismisses Robby as nothing more than a harmless toy (“I tinkered him together myself”). The robot is immensely strong, effortlessly balancing panels of solid lead shielding on one hand (isotope 217, the whole thing hardly comes to ten tons, he informs us). Telotte acknowledges Robby’s significance within the genre: “In light of this emphasis on the simulacra and the film’s own ‘double’ vision, it is fitting that one of the Forbidden Planet’s most significant and popular characters – and probably its most memorable – is that mechanical double, Robby the Robot. He is important partly because of his sheer likeability – a trait that helped prepare the way for the almost loveable (and even more marketable) robots of the Star Wars films. While Robby pointedly has superhuman powers, he is invariably human-centred and clearly under human control. The benevolent and tireless servant, he is programmed to aid humankind with his prodigious strength and special talents, even as he is also rendered innocuous by a built-in safety factor, recalling Asimov’s basic ‘Laws of Robotics’, that keeps him from harming humans. In this respect, he marks a significant turning-point from the largely sinister roles to which film robots had previously been relegated (…). In contrast, Robby is consistently benevolent – helpful, humorous, and nearly magical in his powers – in short, almost all we might hope our technological creations to be” (op. cit., pp118-9).
And: “Again, Robby the Robot is key, for this fascinating technological double survives as a reminder of all that has happened and an emblem of how much we are ultimately tied to the technological and its powers. Robby, in fact, is harnessed to replace the ship’s navigator, who had been killed by Morbius’s double. The technological, we are reassured, might yet help us to find our way” (op. cit., p125).

Robby symbolises manageable technology, saved because the humans can cope with him, he can be controlled and meekly does our bidding, unlike the murderous, unpredictable monster from the Id (technology in our own likeness). Robby possesses language (socially constituted and socially acquired through inter-communication), indeed, a surfeit of languages – we can communicate with him directly and with our conscious, rational minds which operate in accordance with all the internalized laws and accommodations to others, the taboos and self-imposed restraints – in short, which follow the precepts of morality: you can “reason with” Robby, but not with the buried, subterranean machine. The latter admonishes us that technology is neither benign nor malevolent in itself: the machine does not distinguish between good and bad, right and wrong, it exists merely to respond to promptings, satisfying the dark desires of the uncolonized, pre-social mind, revealing the repressed. It is sinister and menacing precisely because it can never be switched off (this is one of the aspects I found most disturbing when small – similarly G lost a night’s sleep after The Blob because he knew that nothing could stop it from oozing under the crack at the bottom of the bolted door – proof that even the most outdated effects can still have an impact if coupled with a frightening idea). Moreover, it is self-maintaining and self-sustaining, completely independent. Morbius enthuses that he has reason to believe it recently carried out a minor alteration to itself. The reason/unreason dichotomy is presented in tangible contrast: Robby, a product of Morbius’ conscious mind, has built-in safety mechanisms, socially determined inhibitions, reassuring us that society’s disciplines and impositions are not arbitrary or without merit, whereas his counterpart, the monster from the Id is bloody and vengeful, lacking precisely the social element, untamed and selfish – Durkheim would have approved of this vision. We learn nothing about the Krell’s social organization, whether it was egalitarian or hierarchical, only that as a species they were technologically-oriented. Nor are we given any real notion of what they might have looked like (the free rein left to us to speculate, to fill in the gaps, to visualise with our mind’s eye is uncharacteristic of the sci-fi medium, which revels in its realisations of the fantastic).

Hidden away, the inaccessibility of the Krell complex is twofold: it is physically concealed, the sole entrance to it through Morbius’ study, an architectural parallel to the notion of the sub-conscious. Only the elect can penetrate its secret knowledge. Even with his artificially boosted intellect, Morbius (who has something of the alchemist or sorcerer about him) has not been able to decipher the Krell alphabet in its entirety, in spite of training in rigorous investigation and a naturally higher IQ. The Commander and his crew registered little more on the gauges than the rutting deer: their uninitiated minds cannot hope to comprehend the machine’s intricate workings. To us, it assumes the appearance of magic, in much the same way as we cannot fathom how the ungainly bulk of a Jumbo jet can take off, or how an e-mail can reach its destination thousands of miles away the instant we have clicked on the mouse.

“I cannot be answerable for the safety of your ship or your crew”.

Morbius is a willing recluse – had he wanted to be rescued or reincorporated into society he would have employed his enhanced intelligence in order to contact earth or one of the colonies. He prefers isolation to the inevitable distraction of company: “How ironic that a simple scholar with no ambition beyond a modest measure of seclusion should out of a clear sky find himself besieged by an army of fellow creatures, all grimly determined to be of service to him”. There is society to constrain Morbius – he is the uncontested ruler of his world, a privilege he is not about to relinquish.

“Another one of them new worlds. No beer, no women, no pool parlours, nothing. Nothing to do but throw rocks at tin cans and we gotta bring our own tin cans”.

“I don’t know, I think a man could get used to this [sky] and grow to love it”.

Of the crew members, only Doc Ostrow has a special affinity for the new surroundings and is marked out as the most intelligent crew member, Morbius’ foil: they are the two characters with academic titles, though one is in medicine (denoting healing, succour in distress and empathy), the other in philology (words, concepts, signs, language). Morbius recalls the fate of his comrades who one by one “succumbed to a sort of a planetary force here, some dark, terrible, incomprehensible force. Only my wife and I were immune”. He accounts for their special status thus: “My wife and I differed only in our special love for this new world and our boundless longing to make a home here far from the scurry and strife of humankind”. The doctor is linked to Morbius early on when he feels the pierce of the whistle, which Alta uses to summon the deer and the tiger (which do not molest each other, the Biblical indicator of paradise as the lion lies with the lamb), “beyond the pitch of human hearing” Morbius often hears it himself. Ostrow is tactful and fluent in the language of science: “To tell the truth, I sometimes still miss the conversation of gentlemen such as yourself, Doctor”. Morbius’ pre-educator IQ is 183, whilst the Doctor’s is 161. The Commander is less bright and more impulsive. The Doctor is discrete, withdrawing tactfully to let the Commander be on his own with Alta – he doesn’t play gooseberry. Ostrow is willing to sacrifice himself for his friend and the rest of the crew. He possesses the empathy that Morbius has lost. Morbius fails to see the obvious, so intimately familiar is he with the Krells’ own thought that he falls into the same trap as they did. Once he is forced to confront his own guilt he is able to rediscover his own humanity and regain a sense of proportion.

Farmer: It’s nothing really personal, just a kiss.
Alta [sceptically]: But why should people want to kiss each other?
Farmer: Well, it’s an old custom. All of the really high civilizations go in for it.
Alta: But it’s so silly.
Farmer: But it’s good for you, though; it stimulates the whole system. As a matter of fact, you can’t be in tip-top health without it.
Alta: Really, I didn’t know that.
Farmer: I’d be only too happy to show you.
Alta: Well, thank you very much Lieutenant.
Farmer: No trouble at all.
[Alta is stiff and unresponsive]
Alta: Is that all there is to it?
Farmer: Well, you’ve sort of got to stick with it.
Alta: Just once more, do you mind?
Farmer: Not at all.
Alta: I don’t know, Lieutenant, there must be something seriously the matter with me because honestly I haven’t noticed the least bit of stimulation.
Farmer [with injured pride]: Honey, let’s do this thing right.

Alta: Commander, the Lieutenant and I were just trying to get a little healthy stimulation from hugging and kissing, that’s all.
Adams: Oh, that’s all? It’s so easy for you, isn’t it? There’s no feelings, no emotions, you – eh, nothing human would ever enter your mind. Well, it so happens that I’m in command of eighteen competitively selected, super perfect physical specimens with an average age of 24.6 who have been locked up in hyperspace for 378 days.

I have always had a soft spot for Altaira. When sex barges its way into her life, she ceases to be “pure” and her relationship with her Father (up to the advent of the visitors her only male contact) is no longer harmonious, a transition indicated by the sudden change in behaviour of the tiger. Previously “tame as a kitten” around her it is vaporized by the Commander as it tries to pounce on her from the rock (“He didn’t recognise me”). Its symbolic function is analogous to that of the unicorn in medieval art: “Outside the range of my daughter’s influence it’s still a deadly wild beast”. Once her virginal chastity is assailed she is no longer able to soothe it and so it reverts to its natural ferocity. Cleaving unto Adams, transferring her primary allegiance to him, she defies Morbius’ authority (the seeds of rebellion are sown at their first encounter – Morbius is dismayed when she puts in an appearance towards the end of lunch, reminding her that he had specifically requested her not to join them. She deflects his reproach with a sweet smile remarking that he did not mention her staying away during coffee. Later when she accompanies Robby as he delivers the materials to the ship, she shows similar coyness by staying in the tractor: “He did tell me not to go near the ship. After all, this isn’t very near”). Society, the desire for a soul mate and loving nurture, is what constrains, hobbles and regulates women. Women are diminished by their sexual involvement with men, exchanging autonomy for the dependence that masquerades as equal partnership.

Untainted by patriarchal culture, Alta is fiercely intelligent without being embarrassed or afraid to show it. Although girlish she is by no means irrational, neither intimidated by men nor impressed by rank she blends curiosity with detachment. Never having been taught that she is inferior, she is far from shy – playfulness exudes from her. The predatory Lieutenant Farmer is the first to exploit her ignorance. She is bemused by “chivalry”, being treated like a child by Farmer who insists on pouring her coffee (“But you keep helping me. After all, you’re not Robby”), completely oblivious to the overtones when Farmer stakes out his claim by cautioning her against spending time alone with the Commander whom he describes as notorious throughout seven planetary systems: “Yes, I can see. Why, his eyes almost had fire in them”. Unaware of her own attractiveness, Alta for the most part (except when she is trying to please the Commander by covering up her manifest charms before the connection between them – “ownership”, or belonging – is established) wears skimpy, ultra-mini skirts. She has not picked up the message that her body is something to be ashamed of or covered up, nor has she fallen foul of a social prejudice concerning appropriate feminine conduct.

Alta [pouting with annoyance at the thought that the Commander does not like her]: Then why don’t you kiss me, like everybody else does?
Adams: Hasn’t your Father taught you anything at all?
Alta: Well, he says I’m terribly ignorant, but I have had poetry, mathematics, logic, physics, geology and bi-
Adams: -ology? Of course, that’s mostly on the theoretical side
Alta: Well, so far. What’s wrong with theory?
Adams: This.

Normally decisive and accustomed to being in charge, the Commander becomes tongue-tied and shy in Alta’s presence, like an awkward teenager. The ideology of Mr. Right comes into play (albeit in palatable form): Alta is unaffected by the advances of the others, passion stirred in her only when she embraces the man she loves. The reciprocity of her feelings is succinctly conveyed by her putting her arms around Adams’ neck and pulling him close. The awakening of her sexuality constitutes the turning-point in the film, after which the monster is unleashed in earnest. Morbius has taken care of her intellectual development, but neglected her emotional side: he has curbed her inquisitiveness about Earth by being less than honest with her about males. She does not feel she has been missing out, never having been exposed to temptation. No longer girl yet not quite woman, she exasperates the Commander (the precision with which he recites the number of days he and his men have been cooped up in hyperspace indicating that he is not immune to frustration himself).

Adams: Well, look at yourself, see you can’t run around like that in front of men, particularly not a space wolf like Farmer, so for Pete’s sake go home and put on something, anything.
Alta: What’s wrong with my clothes? I designed them myself.

When Alta provides Robby with the specifications for her new dress (which must “fit in all the right places”) he enquires whether she wants it to be radiation-proof (“Just eye-proof will do”), offering her diamonds or emeralds instead of the star sapphires, which take a week to crystallise. What would qualify on Earth as fabulous wealth is quite meaningless on Altair IV and they are quite blasé about it in a manner reminiscent of Utopia: “In the meantime silver and gold, the raw materials of money, get no more respect from anyone than their intrinsic value deserves – which is obviously far less than that of iron. Without iron human life is simply impossible, just as it is without fire or water – but we could easily do without silver and gold, if it weren’t for the idiotic concept of scarcity value. And yet kind Mother Nature has deliberately placed all her greatest blessings, like earth, air, and water, right under our noses, and tucked away out of sight the things that are no use to us.
(…) plates and drinking-vessels, though beautifully designed, are made of quite cheap stuff like glass or earthenware. But silver and gold are the normal materials, in private houses as well as communal dining-halls, for the humblest items of domestic equipment, such as chamber-pots. They also use chains and fetters of solid gold to immobilize slaves, and anyone who commits a really shameful crime is forced to go about with gold rings on his ears and fingers, a gold necklace round his neck, and a crown of gold on his head. (…)
It’s much the same with jewels. There are pearls to be found on the beaches, diamonds and garnets on certain types of rock – but they never bother to look for them. However, if they happen to come across one, they pick it up and polish it for some toddler to wear. At first, children are terribly proud of such jewellery – until they’re old enough to register that it’s only worn in the nursery. Then, without any prompting from their parents, but purely as a matter of self-respect, they give it up – just as our children grow out of things like dolls, and conkers, and lucky charms” (Thomas More, Utopia, Penguin, Harmondsworth, 1965, pp86-7).

“In times long past, this planet was the home of a mighty and noble race of beings, which called themselves the Krell. Ethically, as well as technologically, they were a million years ahead of human kind. For in unlocking the mysteries of nature, they had conquered even their baser selves and when in the course of aeons they had abolished sickness and insanity, crime and all injustice they turned, still with high benevolence, outward toward space. Long before the dawn of man’s history they had walked our Earth and brought back many biological specimens. (…) The heights they had reached. But then, seemingly on the threshold of some supreme accomplishment, which was to have crowned their entire history, this all but divine race perished in a single night. In the 2,000 centuries since that unexplained catastrophe, even their cloud-piercing towers of glass and porcelain and adamantine steel have crumbled back into the soil of Altair IV and nothing, absolutely nothing, remains above ground”.

“Recently, I have turned up some rather puzzling indications that in those final days before their annihilation the Krell had been applying their entire racial energies to a new project, one which they actually seemed to hope might somehow free them once and for all from any dependence on physical instrumentalities”.

Like all great science fiction, Forbidden Planet contains a profound meditation on the human condition, a critical sociology of the present in disguise. Robby’s ability to replicate any substance introduced into his aperture is child’s play in comparison with the Krell machinery’s ability to instantaneously project solid matter anywhere on the planet on demand as the Commander explains. In a supreme irony, the Krell’s yearned for salvation proved to be their ruin. Thought would subdue the material world with all its unhappy constraints, leaving the philosophers free to devote themselves entirely to contemplation. Whatever they wished for would materialize, conventional technology thereby superseded. Yet the underground (devil-rousing, underworld) machine was a machine nevertheless, without sentience. No matter how far they had evolved, mentally and socially, the Krell could not escape their animal, base origins: the taint cannot be bred out – it persists. Neither can we deny our origins altogether: we remain eternally flesh-bound. Humans are not worthy to be custodians of such power – certainly not the military or petty bureaucrats and in this respect we must have sympathy for Morbius’ unyielding stance: “(…) and I have come to the unalterable conclusion that mankind is unfit, as yet, to receive such knowledge, such almost limitless power”. It would be immediately turned to nefarious purposes. Where Morbius goes wrong is to assume in his arrogance that philosophers are automatically qualified to dictate to ordinary people.

Even Morbius (perhaps a corruption of Morpheus, the Greek God of dreams, although Telotte interprets it thus: “Morbius’s name seems to combine the Latin morbidus and morbus, words that translate as ‘sickly’ and as ‘sickness’ and ‘disease’. At the same time, it recalls the Möbius strip, which turns upon itself to create a visual effect whereby its outside edge is also its inside. It thereby suggests a self-enclosed representational world, wherein the thing becomes its own double as it forms a spiral – and a spiral that, like the doubling in this film, leads nowhere, only back to itself. The implications of the naming in this film extend beyond Morbius, though. We should note as well Alta (or Altaira, as she is once named), which suggests ‘other’, and Commander Adams, who seems very much an Adamic figure when he is paired with Alta in the Eden-like garden outside her home”, op. cit., p129) cannot exorcise his primitive urges – the strain of renouncing the beast kills him. The monster acts as an instrument of vengeance, reason toppled by primitive instinct, torn apart. It is quite literally a walking nightmare.

Our dreams fade before our eyes: technology is not synonymous with liberation. Since Utopia can never be attained, it is better to take refuge in love and decency. Everyday life has a place and an intrinsic value. Although the philosophers are marginalized the film is not anti-intellectual as such, its conclusion more that intellect without compassion is undesirable: Morbius is so obsessed by his work, to salvaging the glories of the Krell that his response becomes callous, as his exclamation on seeing the Doctor’s slumped corpse betray: “The fool, the meddling idiot, as though his ape’s brain could contain the secrets of the Krell” (forgetting that he himself is a mere primate’s descendent). His epitaph for the Doctor’s noble sacrifice is likewise singularly inappropriate: “He was warned, and now he’s paid. Let him be buried with the other victims of human greed and folly”. The mad scientist is characterised by excess and Morbius’ excess is one of devotion, his lack of proportion manifested in his claim to a monopoly on wisdom and beneficence.

Our mastery of creation may be unchallenged, we may have begun to chart and explore the universe, but we have not progressed nearly as far as we like to pretend. Our tragedy resides in being able to imagine a world free of strife and injustice whilst it constantly eludes us. Thus the film closes on a melancholy note, with a sense of regret and wistfulness. The Krell furnaces incinerate Altair IV with all its wonders. Man must expel himself from paradise: “It’s true it will remind us that we are, after all, not God”.

Saturday, 5 March 2005

Couscous

Filed under: — site admin @ 12:37 pm

We once again emerged victorious from our morning practice session (in KC’s inimitable words “We completely crushed them”), although we are not allowing this to lull us into complacency. As the day draws inexorably nearer my mind becomes more adept at dredging up information I was no longer aware that I knew. Self-doubt torments me, however. Although I have read so much more in the intervening years, I am acutely aware of the vast extent of my ignorance, of how little I am able to retain (even under pressure) and of how my reflexes are not what they once were. The quiet solitude of contemplation in my study where I can savour each word and dissect each concept at leisure could hardly be further removed from the instant recall under the glare of the studio lights. I have complete faith in my fellow team members: we complement each other in terms of interest and specialization and I have enormous respect and admiration for them. We gel perfectly and I honestly believe that regardless of whether we are defeated or manage to make it to the next round (RC wisely refuses to think too far ahead, although, secretly, we all dream of winning and dread the prospect of being knocked out straight away) we constitute the best possible line-up. Whereas there are others whose breadth of knowledge surpasses my own by a considerable margin (and I have been forced to nurse bruised egos over the last few weeks, the selection having cost me a long-standing friendship) their presence would have upset the cohesion, the chemistry between us.

As the Hungarian ferried me citywards for the bonding and tactical review dinner the roads proved treacherous, the motorway blocked with the wreckage of a mass pile-up involving a minimum of six vehicles. Thankfully, the tailback alerted him that something was amiss before we were committed to the underpass and we were able to change lanes for the detour. Unfortunately, we were not alone in choosing the alternative route and I unbuttoned my coat as the heating kicked in. Every traffic light was red (I could swear they have inbuilt sensors to detect when you are in the greatest hurry) and the reckless impatience displayed by certain drivers provided a clear indication that tempers were frayed. A small car nipped in front of us (the Hungarian keeps a safe distance between us and those whose skills behind the wheel he does not rate, a category which encompasses most native Waffelian license-holders, especially those whose number plates betray that they received them in the post on turning eighteen rather than having been made to sit a test in order to acquire one) only to smash into the rear of a silver M-class Mercedes, whose owner had paid heed to the flashing warning lights and bells announcing the imminent approach of a tram, the needless aggression costing the young man dear in insurance premiums. One stress-induced nosebleed (I detest being late) and frustrating stop-start gridlock crawl on, the Hungarian deposited me at the junction nearest KC’s penthouse flat where we had arranged to meet to relax and watch our host’s previous performance as well as a famous parody of the show. As we sipped a delicious Bronx Terrace (KC is an accomplished cocktail mixer, so much so that I did not wake up with the usual excruciating leg cramps I suffer when indulging in more than one kind of alcohol in the course of an evening) accompanied by nibbles of salted smoked almonds (whose legendary flavour and unobtainability elsewhere have occasioned many a stop at the petrol station supermarket in the Grand Duchy) the antics of a wayward unwashed sock and heidbanging hamster Special Patrol Group (introducing an effete Teddy bear to the social pleasantries of the alleyway with a Glasgow kiss) convulsed us with laughter. “We’re going to smash the oiks!” the toffs’ champagne-stoked chant of tittering triumphalism devised to intimidate the opposition.

What struck us about the older version (apart from noting how enviably KC has matured, accumulating an even more staggering amount of erudition in the meantime as well as becoming more confident) was how restrained, genteel and, above all, slow proceedings were, the pace so leisurely that a contestant with a stutter was permitted answer in his own time. P’s predecessor never lost his decorum, commiserating rather than sneering (obviously not a graduate of the Anne Robinson school of charm), polite and unflappable. We rooted for KC’s all-male side, which included two whose future careers took them into ornithology and politics respectively, although we knew the result beforehand. Even the questions seemed easier compared to the relentless bombardment of today (not that this is intended to detract from his achievement, being more of a statement reflecting my trepidation).

As we entered the restaurant a belly dancer obstructed the way to our table. TM teased mildly about the sexism of the venue (fully aware of my feminist sensibilities). Our strategy became clearer the more the excellent Moroccan wine flowed: it is a collective effort; we should hold back during the warm up, not revealing our true strength (by the same token not falling for dissimulation on the part of our rivals) and we must have a coping strategy should we fail to seize the initiative immediately once the real round begins, not wasting valuable energy and disrupting our concentration if we make a mistake, no matter what is thrown at us (whether sarcasm or the mind-boggling obscurity of bonuses). It is better to venture an educated guess than to say nothing and we tend to winnow out the chaff quite effectively, our logical deduction abilities enhanced by collaboration. Since we are basically in agreement about the task ahead, planning did not dominate our conversation, so we turned to a discussion of the merits of Bad Santa when the main course arrived. I had never tasted tagine before, but the chicken and toasted almond dish was quite exquisite (I could not resist soaking up the sweet sauce with copious quantities of bread). I announced that as a matter of principle I refused to spend money going to see a film that condoned the anal rape of a woman simply on the grounds that she is overweight. RC explained that the director was sympathetic to her point of view rather than the disgusting behaviour of the main character: he did not balk at showing the latter up for the loathsome, repulsive scum that he is (taking advantage of his victim’s Santa fetish). I commented that the film was remarkable in one respect: that it had been awarded the maximum five stars by the Daily Mail (the Hungarian’s newspaper of choice, in a corruption of Philip Roth’s title: I Married a Conservative) whilst also reaping praise from The Independent (my preferred reading matter). Both RC and KC assured me that although it was very funny it did not quite live up to the massive hype.

Rounding off the meal with mint tea and a dash of orange water (KC favouring Irish coffee with a mound of whipped cream) we were the last customers to leave. We parted with a warm glow of mutual appreciation (RC kindly braving the snow and ice to drive me home), ready for the fray.

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